Thoughts on selfishness:
Do I feel selfish about my creativity? Oh boy, do I ever! The cost for supplies, the space my work and supplies take up, not to mention the time. I look at everything and I think, this is so self-indulgent. This is only worth it if you're making money off of it. You are wasting valuable time and money. You're cluttering up the house with all this stuff. You should have a real job, you should be cleaning the house, you should be doing something of real value.
And yet... and yet...
There is such a draw to create. The way I feel when I am sitting at my work desk creating something is often invaluable-- nothing else makes me feel so content, nothing else fills the space inside me. Having battled major depression all my life, being able to step outside of that sucking muck into a golden halo of inner peace is worth the cost of clay and stamps and tools. The joy that creating brings me is something I cannot put a value upon. The creation process is a lure, a sweet siren that beckons, a cloak of joy that wraps around and enfolds me. How can I go back to feeling the way I did before? Why would I want to?
Is this selfish? Or is it self-preservation?
Thoughts on focus:
This week, I have been very focused on creating. I have been claying up a storm! Rune sets, pendants, lentil beads, tube beads... also taking care of some loose ends business wise, restocking at a shop and reassessing the best wares for the atmosphere there. Taking photos of pieces, preparing to add more to my Etsy store. I've been quite productive this week and it feels very good.
Would that all my days were this productive. Some days it is so hard to focus. I can't remember what I wanted to accomplish. I sit at my desk and nothing turns out right. Wasted supplies, wasted time. Guilt creeps in.
I'm a list maker, often I have to be, to aid my faulty memory. I don't know if its the affects of meds or depression or age or what is called fibromyalgia "fog"-- probably a combination of all of the above, but I really struggle with my memory. I can lie in bed at night and review all I want to accomplish the next day, and the next day, completely have no idea what I want or need to get done, or if I remember then I can't seem to focus on what I need to do.
I like it best when I have a To Do list, a set of goals, little deadlines in mind. It helps me organize and prioritize. It helps me remember. It helps me stay motivated. I like to see things crossed off my list. It feeds my sense of accomplishment. I need to be better about doing these things when I'm in a good space so that when I'm in a bad space I already have these tools at hand and in the works. Good habits for bad days.
So, a list:
- glaze Chinese calligraphy pendants
- string CC necklaces
- 2 more herbal rune sets: heather & mint, lavender & rosemary
- sand and buff runes
- sand and buff lentil beads
- string lentil bead necklaces
- make scarab beetles & varnish
- string scarab necklaces
- finish journal cover decoration
- take rune sets & CC/scarab necklaces to WB
- more photos of finished pieces for Etsy
- trip to PO with items to figure out postage for Etsy shipping
- enter Etsy listings
- egg-shaped goddesses
- goddess vessels