Monday, January 30, 2012

This Week I Am

Feeling: Pain. Lots of pain. Since last Tuesday night, so nigh on to a week now. Last Wednesday night included a trip to the ER. Blood, urine, CT scan all normal. They doped me up and sent me home. Saw my regular Dr., more tests, still no answer. Our best guess is that I severely tore several muscles in my abdomen a week ago Monday from doing enormous amounts of laundry and some "handyman" work around the house that day. I over did it and my fibromyalgia is making it known to me.

Thinking: I've lost an entire week to pain and being in a medicated hazy dream state due to pain pills. And who knows how much longer this will go on? I can finally breathe and stand with minimal pain, but I can't sit up straight or bend over or lift or move at more than a snail's pace. How long is it going to take before I'm better and no longer need pain meds to minimally function?

Trying: To NOT be angry at my body or at the fibromyalgia. But I am. This is ridiculous! People do laundry EVERY DAMN DAY. Okay, so I perhaps I overdid it, but come on! To have a burning, stabbing, screaming fist of pain through my entire right side because of it? That hardly seems fair. Fibro says "Be gentle with yourself. All things in moderation." Okay, okay. I get it. Thanks for the reminder.

Feeling: Bitter. Depressed. Frustrated. Like a bad wife. Like an invalid. I was planning on getting so much done last week. Organizing, cleaning, creating... instead-- I spend my days doped up on the couch feeling worthless. Or in pain whenever I move.

Reading: Ah, at last, something positive to report! Grave Goods (Mistress of the Art of Death 3) by Ariana Franklin. I'm about to start the 4th book in the series, A Murderous Procession. I am loving these books-- the writing is fantastic-- the way the plot is woven together, so many seemingly insignificant things become significant in the end; the characters are endearing, humorous, and complex; the history that is part of each plot (good old King Henry II making an appearance in each novel) is an added bonus.

Listening: Mostly to silence. And noticing quite a bit of ringing in my ears lately, what's up with that?


Anonymous said...

That really sucks. I hope that things get better soon. For lack of a better way to put this (ie, non flakey way): warm fuzzies that things ease up soon and that you feel back to your regular self!

Celtic Witch said...

I am so sorry for all the pain your in. I don't have Fibro but I have a friend who does and she feels as you do during a flare up as she calls them, usually brought on by doing too much. You're not a failure or a bad person just because you cant manage things lickettyspit. Take your time, rest and listen to your body. Let it be your guide and most of all be gentle with yourself. Sending love and supportive energy and have lit a candle for you.