Saturday, April 28, 2012

Cat Cancer Sucks

I haven't been able to write about it. It hurts to think about it. In the span of this month our sweet handsome boy, Moose, was diagnosed with small cell lymphoma, started cancer treatments and then died three days before his 12th birthday.

Moose napping with his belly shaved for the ultra-sound.

Less than a month's worth of time, but it seemed agonizingly slow as we waited for test results and consulted with the vet about treatment options and decided what we could afford to do for him as well as what would be best for our sweet Moose. And then suddenly time sped up and flew by heartbreakingly fast from the day we started treatment to the day he died. 

The cancer was found only in his small intestines when he was diagnosed, it had not metastasized, so there was a good chance that treatment would help... but it must have suddenly spread like wildfire. He's at peace now, but I am so sad and angry about the cancer. I still have all of his medication, I haven't been able to throw it away. At times I want to spread all the medicine out on the ground and bash it all with a rock-- because its proof of the cancer and because it didn't help. And yet I can't destroy it or get rid of it yet because its one of the few, solid, tangible links with my sweet boy that I still have left.

It has been a week today since our sweet boy died. Today the husband and I picked up Moose's ashes at the vet and brought our boy back home. We both cried at the thought of our big, fat, fluffy, sweet, gentle boy being reduced to the contents of that small box. 

Moose on his last day. We carried him outside and for a while he enjoyed 
sunshine and good smells in the air with me on our patio.

 And where was my spiritual path in all this? I found I couldn't pray beyond Please let him be okay and then please let us be doing the right thing for him and then please don't let him be in pain and finally reduced to please, please, please...

Magic? Healing spells? I'd done them in the past for our calico Claire, and have always been convinced they helped, but I couldn't even think where to begin and even debated whether or not it would be appropriate to do for Moose. Part of it was that my brain just kept rejecting that my sweet Moose, so healthy his entire life, never once sick, who I thought was going to live until he was an old man of 19 or 20 years, could suddenly have something as bad as cancer. Did I fail him or was it just his time? Does it even matter anymore?

I know everyone and everything has to die at some point in time. Strangely, that thought is a comfort to me. But it doesn't stop me from missing the sight of his sweet face peeking out the hallway door when I come home after work; it doesn't fill the empty space at the foot of the bed at night where he's no longer there, leaning against my feet. Right now, this is still too new and too raw. And cancer sucks.


Anonymous said...

Such a lovely and touching post.
May you find peace in all of this.

Ila East said...

If you've never read about The Rainbow Bridge, you might want to do a web search for it. It has always helped me when we have had to send one of our animals there.

Cat said...

I wish I could say something soothing and comforting, Dawn. None of mine had cancer, but I lost some much too early.

You are in my thoughts.

kalevalaskeeper said...

Reading this post made me cry. I'm very sorry for your loss but I know things will get better. :)

Jeanne said...

My heart aches for you, Dawn! Losing a dear friend is so terribly hard. Sending healing thoughts your way. ♥ May you find peace and comfort. We shall all be reunited with our furry friends again one day.

wicKED said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. All things lessen with time, and so shall your pain. I am glad there are people like you in the world that could give such a wonderful life to one of our four legged friends.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have lost your lovely Mousse. I can hear how sad you are and angry. The pictue of him in the sun is so beautiful, how wonderful he had you to support him at the end, but you are right, life sucks sometimes. It's not fair he was taken when he still had life ahead.

Robin Larkspur said...

I've come over from Jeanne's blog candycornchronicles. The loss of your sweet kitty is heartbreaking for all! Our dear sweet MacKenzie-Cat had almost identical illness as your fellow, and he, too was gone in about a month; he was one month shy of his 8th birthday. The pain is too great to describe, and of course, always reminds one of the losses of other dear furry friends. Please accept my sincere and heartfelt condolences on this passing. Anger and tears go hand in hand in these circumstances. Hugs and blessings to you. Robin.

Anonymous said...

Cancer sucks.
I have a friend going through Chemo and she wears a bright pink t-shirt that says "F*CK CANCER"
I wish there was something to say to ease your grief, I wish I knew a way to make it easier,
but love never works that way..
Just thinking of you

Keltikmystique said...

Such a beautiful and heart wrenching post. My heart goes out to you. Cancer sucks :(

Moose will live forever in your heart; may his love and memory soothe your pain and may the goddess wrap you in healing comfort. ((HUG))

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry to hear this. It is so hard to loose such a wonderful pet. I will be thinking of you !!!

Crystalrainbow said...

Sending heart felt hugs x x

Bewitching Dreams said...

Lots of hugs and love for you and your family. <3

Anonymous said...

Hi, just flying by to see if you're ok !! I'm thinking of you !!!